A loving reflection on recent Denver events

On Friday morning, I was reluctantly struggling to motivate myself to wake up up and get out of bed when I realized with alarm that the local NPR station was reporting about some kind of mass shooting in Aurora. I was immediately awake, feeling dread, discouraged and disgusted. But not surprised, which says something about me and a lot about the society in which I live.

The last time I was surprised by a mass shooting was April 20th of 1999. I was sent home early from school because of the news coming from Columbine High School in nearby Littleton. It happens to have also been my 18th birthday, and an alarming and distressing welcome to an American adulthood in which we would quickly become all too used to news of senseless gun violence with multiple casualties. Over the next few weeks the Denver community processed this news through filters of varying utility. (More effective: questions about bullying, mental illness, and police response times. Less effective: If you were in high school in Denver at that time, you’ll remember discussions of the “trench coat Mafia” and increasingly broad bans on school attire. In addition to outwear, Marilyn Manson, KMFDM and video games were quickly blamed.) And over the following year, a picture of disturbed, confused, hateful and hated young men would emerge. As a sensitive young person living near this tragedy, it took me months, if not years, to quietly process this event, and it is probably one of a few defining moments of my transition from child to adult. And as a child for whom bullying (or at least name calling) was not a rare event, and who lived on the fringes of a variety of social circles in middle and high school, I am proud and confident in the statement that I will NEVER understand how one’s self-hate, hatred of peers, and isolation gets so bad that mass murder even becomes an option.

 I’m a realist, so I can honestly say that none of the subsequent mass shootings that have happened, mostly in America, has shocked me. I feel distressed, disgusted, and (mostly) discouraged, but not surprised. We live in a society where we have easy access to massively lethal weapons, often legally. And we live in a society that is polarized (perhaps increasingly, and many would argue intentionally,) and in which it is easy to become isolated, either by one’s own desire or unintentionally. These are ultimately desperate, hateful acts.  I truly believe, based on my witness of day-to-day life, that love is overwhelmingly more prevalent than hate, even in our modern, individualistic society. However, I think hate is disproportionately more visible. Our media to often focuses on hate, primarily to scare us into continuing to pay attention do them. Whether it’s individual hateful acts - murder, gang violence, domestic violence, etc - or groups of people who hate others - particularly those not like them, hate and fear keep people watching or clicking links. I can clearly see the hatred in conservative pundits anti-gay rhetoric, and it’s not far below the surface in pro-wealthy and anti-health care reform rhetoric either. But liberal news sites - those I go to for my news more often than not - also plant, tend, and harvest divisive news stories. Rhetoric of fear and hatred.

I am lucky that I live in a world where the overwhelming prevalence of love is blatantly obvious to me. In Laos, though I sometimes felt socially isolated, I felt the love of my friends and family from back home supporting me. And every day I went to work I saw my residents and the Lao teachers sacrificing in order to learn and perform better patient care, which is a tremendously loving act. When I traveled in Asia, I witnessed people who loved life and each other, and took joy in small daily pleasures, despite not having access to many things I would consider necessary for a tolerable existence.

When I came home, even though I was working nights and had minimal interactions with other doctors, I could see the love in the work of my colleagues and nurses. I may not believe that everything done for the patients at the U of M is in their ‘best’ interest, but I can say that the great majority of it is done out of a profound love for life, and desire to make it longer and better. And I had a great relationship with nearly all the nurses, because I understood that when they page in the middle of the night, they’re doing it out of concern and love for their patients, and usually out of a desire to take the best possible care of them.

 In my new job, my colleagues come to work every day to take care of an often challenging group of patients. Coming to work every day to try and make the lives of older people better - people who may seem to have little to live for, and who may not always appreciate, or even understand your efforts - is an act of love. My new mentors keep up to date with the (insufficient) literature about geriatric patients _and_ remember minutia about their patient’s lives out of love, not because they’re well paid (by doctors standards, they’re not) or highly respected. They love the patients and the job.

And in my new / old city - Denver - coming home after 12 years away - I feel incredibly welcomed and loved. I’m still at home in my church, Montview Presbyterian, which has an incredibly loving, inclusive approach to Christianity. I’ve reconnected with a couple old friends, and can still feel their loving welcome even though none of us has been great at keeping track of each other in the interim. The people in my parent’s apartment building are almost always happy to see me and ask how my new job and life transition are going. The fact that these people know who I am even though I’ve never lived in Denver since my parents moved there is a reflection of my family’s tremendous love. I could go on.

 So, after 48 hours to reflect, a bacheolorette party celebrating love - romantic, sibling, and friendly- last night, a 45 minute drive with the Barenaked Ladies, and an excellent church service this morning, my thoughts on Friday’s mass shooting at an Aurora movie theater are becoming more clear. I don’t, like some conservative Christians, believe that god is punishing us for straying from our Judeo-Christian morals. I don’t believe that deity exists. But maybe we are punishing each other and ourselves for living in a place and time where we too often acknowledge and focus on the hate in our lives. We keep the love secret, private, and unacknowledged, though most of us probably feel it more often than not. So if you’re reading this blog, know that I love you and the role you play in my life. But more than that, know that I believe everyone who would be interested in reading these run on sentences lives a life that is motivated, powered, and protected by love.

Whether you recognize a religious source of your love for your fellow man, or are a secular humanist, I believe you all love far more frequently and deeply than you hate. In fact, I believe that none of you really hate, and even things you may say or do that express dislike of some aspect of our society (or personal lives) are motivated by love of some other principle or person. On this journey of life, I try to live my love - for myself, my family and friends, my fellow man/woman, and my planet and not hate or fear. Going forward, I will be trying to express this love more clearly - not just through my actions, but vocally, verbally. I am going to try to express my love to strangers - love I feel but may be reluctant to show - more openly and specifically. Maybe if Friday’s shooter had felt, heard, or seen more of the generalized love that I am sure was present and active in his life he wouldn’t have committed his horrific act. (And less of the non-specific hate/fear that permeates our media but not, I believe, our culture.) We may never know, but on the other hand, being more open and direct with our love can hardly hurt.

 I will also be lovingly making a donation to the pro-gun control lobby, because realistically, while a deep hatred of himself and those around him (and probably a significant mental health problem) likely motivated the shooter, what clearly made his actions so horrifically effective was the extremely deadly weapons he legally purchased. I’d like to live in a society where access to semi-automatic weapons WAS surprising.

lovingly,
 Libby